Why I Would Not Survive The ______ Apocalypse

It doesn’t matter what kind of apocalypse, I’m definitely not going to make it.

We’ve all heard the ridiculous lies people tell others and themselves. Hell, maybe those men who say “Yeah, I could beat her” when they see a female Olympian truly believe they could.

I can’t lie to myself about this one.

After whatever world-ending or civilization-collapsing event happens — be it biological, zombies, EMPs, coronal mass ejection, nukes, climate change, aliens — I’m not making it.

Why am I not surviving the apocalypse?

Because I’m realistic, weaponless, out of shape, a picky eater, and have a chronic illness that requires special meds.

Let’s think this out.

• I have no good weapons, so I’d have to steal or make them (I am crafty!). I don’t have a gun or a machete or even a baseball bat. I have nice pens, a stationery drawer, too much yarn, and a heavier-than-average laptop.

At best, I could write a scathing blog post and crochet a nice blanket to keep warm.

• I wear glasses, need a knee brace sometimes, am uncoordinated, and out of shape.