Texts From Cat

AKA A Legit Excuse to Post 13 Photos of My Cat

Image for post
Image for post

I love the Texts From Dog blog, I think it’s hysterical. But I don’t have a dog. I have a cat. Like most cats, he is random, launches off my belly sometimes, annoys me when I’m trying to sleep, is soft and warm and cuddly, and purrs like a tiny floofy motorboat when I walk in the door, even if I was only gone for an hour.

He doesn’t knock things over, which is nice. But he does bite toes and fingers, which is not nice. He does not claw furniture, which is awesome. But he does wake me up before my alarm clock demanding breakfast, which is decidedly not awesome.

Sometimes I wish I could check in with him when I’m not there. Shoot him a quick text like “Hey, Dex, how is your day going?” Except he sleeps most of the day and then wants to play all night.

I looked up texts from cats, and the closest I could find was TextFromMittens, which is just not the same or what I was thinking.

I love Dexter, that fluffy jerkface.

Here is what it would be like if he had opposable thumbs and figured out how to turn on the tablet:

Me: Hey, Mr. Fluffybutt! How is your day going?

Dexter: *selfie picture of his butt*

(I think he’s trying to say something about the nickname)

Image for post
Image for post

Dexter: You did not feed me, you tall sack of pale skin. I demand food.

Me: Yes, I did, Sweetie! Fed you chicken flavor this morning!

Dexter: It smelled gross. I stepped in it in disdain and tracked it across the rug in my room just to make you have to clean it. Give me food.

Me: I left your favorite toy in the living room!

Dexter: I played with it for 45 seconds. Time for a 13 hour nap.

Image for post
Image for post

Dexter: The door is closed and I want to go wander aimlessly in the building and sniff at other apartment doors.

Me: No.

Dexter: MROW MRRRRRROW MRRRRRROWWWWWWWW. (Followed by 170 texts with the same thing)

Image for post
Image for post

Dexter: *Picture of litterbox* Clean it, Human, or I will poop on your rug.

Me: I’ll clean it when I get home tonight.

Dexter: Damn right you will. WHO OWNS WHO?

Image for post
Image for post

Me: Stop snatching at my toes when I walk near you!

Dexter: I’m practicing my hunting skills.

Me: You’re an indoor cat in a one-animal house, there’s nothing to hunt!

Dexter: Practicing to hunt your toes harder when you LEAST EXPECT IT.

Image for post
Image for post

Me: What are you doing? I can hear you thumping around out there.

Dexter: A flying creature has invaded this home and I refuse to allow it to live.

Me: It’s just a fly, calm down. He can’t hurt you.

Dexter: IT SHALL DIE FOR OFFENDING ME.

Image for post
Image for post

Dexter: Are you eating cheese? I heard string cheese wrappers.

Me: Nooo, of course not.

Dexter: Give me some cheese, or kiss your shoelaces goodbye.

Image for post
Image for post

Dexter: You’re home, you’re home! Yay, I was so bored!

Me: Aww, I love you, Dex. I’m gonna keep scratching your chin and ears and love on you ALL NIGHT!

Dexter: That was fun, I’m done now. Mrow.

Image for post
Image for post

Me: You wanna treat?

Dexter: GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dexter: GIVE ME THE TREAT AND I’LL LET YOU LIVE.

Image for post
Image for post

Me: Did you eat my earplugs again?

Dexter: Yes.

Me: Stop it.

Dexter: No one tames Dexter!

Image for post
Image for post

Me: Move, you’re blocking the TV.

Dexter: Ok.

Me: No, no! Now you’re sitting right in my face!

Dexter: You knew the dangers of lying on the couch.

Image for post
Image for post

Originally published at jyssica.blogspot.com. If you like my posts, please click on the heart!

Written by

Entrepreneur, writer, editor, book coach, cat lover, weirdo, optimist. Author of “Write. Get Paid. Repeat.” & “Concept to Conclusion.” jyssicaschwartz.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store