I Read My Cat’s Diary.

I feel terrible that I violated his trust!

I didn’t go TOO far back. I’ll admit, I was hoping to see how he felt about the new kitten, but I feel so bad for looking!

At least he has a healthy sense of self, I guess.

January 22, 2020

My name is Dexter Alan Schwartz, and I am the most gorgeous feline you will ever have the pleasure of seeing.

I’m not just saying that. Trust me, I am also extremely humble.

But the lady who lives here tells me that I am beautiful all the time. I know it! I groom myself regularly, I exercise when I feel like it, and I guard the house from insect intruders. What’s not to love?

The lady says she’s my mom, but I have to tell you — I don’t think there are any hairless ones in my family tree. I try to groom the humans but there’s nothing there! It feels like a waste of time, but hey, you do what you have to for family, right?

My mom is pretty great. She feeds me and also I stole this journal from her shelf. My dad is warm and I like him a lot. Sometimes, if I get to my dad early enough, he won’t even know Mom already fed me and I can be all sad and meow at him and give him the ol’ kitty-cat eyes and get an extra meal out of him! The eyes always get them.

My mom is always on her bright screen-thing in one room of the house, she says she’s “working,” but I think she should pay a lot more attention to me since she’s here so much! My dad is gone all day long and it feels like forever and ever, so the second he walks in the door I like to go rub his ankles and jump in his lap to grace him with my cuddles both as a reward for making it home safely and to remind him who he must pay attention to first.

My cuddles are priceless and I ration them out accordingly. If I ever meet you, you should know this so you can feel super duper special and important if I let you pet and cuddle me for more than a moment. But even if I don’t, I’ll still come to say hi and give you a sniff. I’m polite, after all.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I feel a nap coming on, so I gotta go. I’ve only taken three teeny-tiny three-hour catnaps today! I’m totally behind schedule!

April 17, 2020

Dexter again. I like this journal thing. Sometimes I chew on the edges of the pages and it makes the most satisfying cromch sound I’ve ever heard. They don’t taste great, but hey — food is food, am I right? Gotta keep up my figure.

I think my parents are planning something. I don’t know what but they haven’t left the house in forever and they keep bugging me.

Constant requests for pets and cuddles and taking pictures of me all the time. It’s EXHAUSTING. I just get up and walk away, I can’t handle their neediness right now.

I spoke to the dog next door through the heating grate and he said his humans haven’t been leaving, either. He told me that they make him go on walks ALL THE TIME, even when he doesn’t want to!

The humans have really messed with my schedule.

The only conclusion I’ve been able to come to is that there has been some sort of apocalypse and we are now trapped here forever.

If this hurts my food supply, I’ll eat my dad first. I like him a lot but Mom feeds me more.

June 10, 2020

My parents have betrayed me. Nay, they have betrayed all of cat-kind!

I have been an only cat for FIVE YEARS and have patiently trained my humans to my exacting standards and now they’ve gone and RUINED all that progress.

THEY BROUGHT HOME A BABY CAT.

First of all, the new one is too small. I am certain I was never that puny. I am a lion.

Secondly, he smells weird.

Thirdly, he keeps trying to jump on me. I smack him right in the head but that has not solved it. He thinks I am playing a game. DO I LOOK LIKE I’M PLAYING?

My resting cat face has done nothing to deter him.

Fourth, he won’t. Sit. Still.

The baby has too much energy. It is simply exhausting. Ugh, I’m going to take a nap, just thinking about his bouncing is too much.

August 9, 2020

The baby cat MIGHT not be the worst thing in the entirety of existence.

He’s grown some, Mom says a lot. But it’s not a lot. He’s still too small to be a real cat. Maybe he’s a different type of animal?

Now that I’ve got my scent on him, he smells delightful. YOU’RE WELCOME, PEASANT.

He still jumps on me constantly but I take him down and pin him every time. I am the heavyweight champion of the world! Sometimes I even let him draw me into his games and give chase around the house. I’ve let him win a few times, I’m not a monster.

His energy stores are too large. I haven’t figured out how to turn him off or take out his batteries yet, but I’m still searching and will report back.

There are some times when he’s not too bad. He keeps the humans distracted and I get to have more uninterrupted naps.

He has not and WILL NOT usurp my position. I still get treats and have taught the tiny one where they are and how to get them.

He worships me.

I should have gotten a new minion long ago.

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Entrepreneur, writer, editor, book coach, cat lover, weirdo, optimist. Author of “Write. Get Paid. Repeat.” & “Concept to Conclusion.” jyssicaschwartz.com

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