Higher Expectations Of Pants.

I apparently expect too much from pants. I bought a new pair of jeans, and on the butt was a sticker that said “NEW! BACK POCKETS!” And I suddenly wondered, was I expecting too much, to have butt pockets on pants? Should I lower my jeans-standards? And then I realized that pants have had butt pockets for a long time. Was this particular pair so far out of touch that they thought they’d invented back pockets and started a revolution? Screw it. Viva la revolucion!

I proudly carry things in pockets resting atop my tuchus! Well, not atop, so much as ‘near’ or ‘adjacent to.’ I don’t have much of a butt. Doesn’t bother me, actually. In fact, I can easily carry things in my fancy new incredibly revolutionary back pockets.

This caused me to look back and wonder what else I had ridiculously high standards for. After all, I am a highly confident youngish woman, and I attempt to keep fairly high standards in place. I expect my books to be interesting stories, my food to be delicious, TV shows to be at least mildly entertaining (and there are a lot that fail even those mediocre hopes and dreams), and the clothes I buy to fit at home the same way they did in the store’s fitting rooms.

That last onemay be the hardest standard for the Universe to meet. Every girl has been there. You’re at a store, you try something on, and BAM! You look FABULOUS! You get home, still excited and the reaction has now become “I…don’t know. I think I like it?” And of course, we go ahead and cut (rip) the tags off and hang it up properly, because of course it will look great, it’s just different lighting than the store. And I ate lunch. And also, these pants totally give me a muffin top after I eat, which wasn’t there when I was trying it on. I might have even tried it on with totally different pants! And in the closet it stays. Generally, I wear new stuff immediately. “Oh, we’re going to a movie? Hold on, I want to wear my new romper dress! No, I don’t care that it will be dark, sticky and possibly not the best forum for a flowy romper with a butt cape. Hello? I just got it an hour ago. I would wear it if we went on a hike right now. On horseback. In December. On a mountain.”

But if we aren’t as psyched about something as we THOUGHT we would be, “Ehh, I’ll wear it at some point, I’m sure. I’m not even entirely sure why I buy clothes. I pretty much wear the same two pairs of jeans and four tops all the time, anyway.”

But have clothes standards been raised to the point of absurdity? I am expecting back pockets on jeans. There, I said it. I wasn’t amazed when I saw the sticker. I was confused and questioning my choice of jeans brands. Although, I don’t care about brands. I am strictly on the “Oh, it fits and I can afford it” plan. Even so, maybe I should rethink that. I’ve already pretty well accepted that designers apparently think that the ability to carry things in any front pockets on women is unacceptable. Girl-pockets are so small that my whole HAND doesn’t even fit in them, much less a wallet or phone or something.

Hey, designers: I care less about the “line” of my pants and more about the functionality of said pants.

Screw it. Pants off. It’s time to go to my no-pants zone. And by “zone,” I mean my entire apartment. And by “no pants,” I MEAN NO PANTS! Wooo!

Listen, I’m not expecting to form a sisterhood over one pair of pants which magically fit several different body types in multiple locations, okay? I just want a reasonably priced, well fitting, pockets-having, fully functional pair of pants! Why is it so hard?!

Entrepreneur, writer, editor, book coach, cat lover, weirdo, optimist. Author of “Write. Get Paid. Repeat.” & “Concept to Conclusion.” jyssicaschwartz.com

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